Splinter's Rules for the Lair
by The Third Biker Scholar
Summary: Co-authored with H.E. Grey! "My sons, enough is enough. I've had it up to here with all the insanity that goes on around here, and this list will tell you what you are and are not allowed to do anymore. Please, no more explosions."
1. Chapter 1

Solely done to make me laugh.

Full credit and a belated apology must go to H. E. Grey, as inspiration and quotes were unknowingly used from her story, Things Team 19 Are No Longer Allowed to Do.

Disclaimer: I own nothing, nothing at all.

The mutant rat and father of four mutant turtles was at his wits end. He paced the inside of his room, gnawing his bottom lip in distress. He loved his sons. He'd die for his sons. But sometimes, remembering that was all that stopped him from killing them out of pure exasperation.

A huge crash suddenly sounded from the kitchen, followed by billows of smoke. Splinter twitched as he heard Raphael shouting about Casey's horrible idea and at Michelangelo for tampering with the ingredients.

That was it. He couldn't take anymore! He had to do something to restore order and harmony in his home. There were rules clearly understood since childhood, and for the most part, they were obeyed. But what had been happening lately, this was well outside those boundaries. New ones had to be created, surely that would help.

Splinter sat down at his desk and reached for pen and paper.

Splinter's Rules for the Lair

1. Michelangelo is banned from any missions involving cats. Ever. Just because you're curious whether a cat really will always land on its feet, doesn't mean you can drop it off the Empire Stat Building. Raphael, Donatello, stop encouraging him.

2. No, Raphael, it is not funny to attack the NYC Police headquarters with paint balls.

3. Which ever one of you stole Splinter's kimono, congratulations on your stealth skills. Now _give it back – _he's supposed to be smacking down the Shredder tomorrow.

4. Screaming "ARGH, THE ZOMBIES ARE COMING!" will not endear you to your brothers, Michelangelo. Especially not if you actually sound convincing.

5. Leonardo does not have a stick that needs to be removed from a certain place. Nor does he appreciate graffiti plastered over the walls of his room informing him of such.

6. Whoever stole all of Agent Bishop's underwear to sell on the black market, give it back to him. He's paranoid enough without his belongings going missing.

7. If any of you find ancient talismans, amulets, statues, or scrolls only mentioned in ancient legends, involving some sort of "savior", the "protection of mankind" and "big, out-of-control flying lizards that breathe fire and destroy any buildings within a five mile radius of where they were summoned," don't buy them. Even if the creepy old man you bought it off tells you it's a good idea.

8. Raphael is banned from making, buying, touching and coming within ten metres of any explosive device. We _needed _that building.

9. Farmyard animals are not meant to be used in that way. For the sake of our minds, get them _out_.

10. Mikey, stop addressing Splinter as your "Pimpmasta". Especially when you're in front of Casey. We've already got one complaint of pedophilia in.

11. Painting on fake wounds and pretending to die on the living room floor endears you to no one. Especially not the person who has to mop up the fake blood.

12. The toaster does not have AIDs. Stop telling people it does.

13. Demonic rituals are prohibited inside city limits. Besides that, what do you really think dancing around a bonfire naked is going to do? Don't answer that.

14. Your pet squirrel does not outrank Leonardo, and is not entitled to alter your mission orders. Don't even go there.

15. We don't know why, at the age of twenty, Casey, you are still incapable of cooking yourself a meal. Nor are we interested. Just know that you are banned from the kitchen _forever_.

16. Sewer Tunnel 48 is not intended to be used for drunken raves. Stop using it that way. The same applies to all other Sewer Tunnels. And The Foot Clan's Headquarters, the Purple Dragons' Warehouse, and Saki Building.

17. For the last time, no one is allowed to declare other people members of Team Jacob or Team Edward 'to increase the number of members of the cult'.....and for the record, Splinter is firmly Team Switzerland.

18. Maniacal cackling and all other forms of evil laughter are hereby prohibited during any sort of power-outage. Leonardo is paranoid enough as it is.

19. You are no longer allowed to sing crude sex songs while on guard duty, Raphael – on second thoughts, none of you are allowed to sing _at all_ while on duty. Also, as far as any of you are concerned, there are no such thing as limericks.

20. Shouting out "It's morphin' time!" in the middle of battle will not do anything. Nor will shouting out "Black Ranger Power!" (But if it ever does, immediately cease and desist, as this is copyright infringement and Bandai has some f'cking mean lawyers.)

21. Inflatable farmyard animals are no longer allowed in the Lair, any Sewer Tunnels, April's apartment building, or the police station. Casey's pad, however, is fine.

22. Nor are real farmyard animals. (See also: Rule #9)

23. For the last time, none of you are Sailor Moon.

24. Leonardo's ultimate weakness is not porn, and he will not fall dead if you keep on sending him adult graphic novels. We don't know how you got the Purple Dragons to believe that, but we would advise you disillusion them _rapidly_.

25. Your "Sexy Dance" is not appropriate while on patrol, Michelangelo. Even if you've got a theme tune.


	2. Chapter 2

Hope we all like this as much as the first! Massive credit still goes to H. E. Grey!

26. If you are going to graffiti sexually explicit images of Raphael and Leonardo onto the walls of Donatello's lab, Michelangelo, it would help if your drawing skills extended further than stick figures.

27. Even if it is left on someone's balcony, you are not allowed to bring home other people's underwear. And Raphael, don't even try claiming that its yours: you do not wear a 36 double-D cup brazier.....at least, we certainly hope not.

28. There is not a 'designated practice dummy', and if there was, it wouldn't be Leonardo. Raphael, stop sicking Michelangelo on him.

29. You are not allowed to go on strike.

30. While I recognise the fact that on the rare occasion, you can all collectively act like a group of idiots, this does not qualify you to write "An Idiot's Guide to Ninja-ing" and publish it for the consumer masses. Do you know how many civilians have blown themselves up in the past week because of you?

31. You do not own anyone's soul. Splinter does not own anyone's soul. Souls are not collectable items. Nor do they taste good with ketchup.

32. ...You are not a death god either, Michelangelo.

33. Live chickens are a don't. Under any circumstances.

34. Condoms are not a good choice for water balloons.

35. No one is allowed to Brazillian wax _anyone_, even with legal consent.

36. Donatello, your shell should not be neon orange and pink, however many bets you have lost.

37. Karai is not secretly the Shredder in disguise and you are not authorised to "check" with a strip-search. We can't take you to hospital, remember?

38. No matter what Baxter Stockman might think, none of you are entitled to maternity leave.

39. You are not to hire your services out as 'l33t ninja stripperz!' You're giving your brothers a bad reputation.

40. Although Leonardo's disposition may indeed be improved if he gets laid, you are not to try and accomplish this by locking him in storage rooms/closets with Karai even if 'Karai is hot lyk whoa!' Even if it worked.

41. No one is allowed to joyride in alien vehicles without the owner's consent, unless said aliens are extremely hostile and intending to take over the Earth.

42. Itching powder on the toilet seat is only funny once. The same goes for plastic wrap, avocado dip, chocolate sauce, cheese, and toothpaste.

43. Canola oil is not 'shark repellant' and you will not convince your more gullible siblings that it is before they go SCUBA diving.

44. Casey Jones is not an appropriate role model.

45. "Raphael did it first" is not an adequate excuse for anything.

46. You are re-banned from all and any explosive devices, Raphael. We don't care what Casey said.

47. Donatello, while your '1001 Ways to Kill a Ninja With Just a Toothpick, a Piece of String and a Peanut' is undoubtedly imaginative, deeply informative and well-researched, we do not appreciate you distributing it to junior high students. We are also rather dubious about ways 745-87.

48. You are not allowed to ascend to godhood without first seeking prior permission from Splinter. No matter what the 'funky glowing lights' tell you.

49. You do not have prior permission.

50. This is not Sparta.


	3. Chapter 3

Here we go!

51. Growing marijuana is not "an extra credit project for your online Biology class".

52. Polishing your staff in the living room is acceptable. "Polishing your staff" in the living room is not.

53. Donatello is not allowed to play the keyboard with his hands tied behind his back, unless he is actually using his feet.

54. You are allowed to have a goldfish, cat, dog, or iguana. No one is allowed to genetically engineer a pet dragon and name it Shenron.

55. It is a Bad Idea to tell Leonardo he takes himself too seriously. The same is true for the Shredder.

56. The Necronomicon Ex Mortuus is not a toy and you will not treat it as such.

57. There is no such thing as a god of pizza and you are not allowed to sacrifice any of your siblings, friends, Purple Dragons, or members of the Foot Clan to it.

58. Michelangelo is no longer allowed in the laundry room. Or April's laundry room.

59. No one is allowed to throw a foam party/rave ever again.

60. Michelangelo is not allowed to grease the floor so he can re-enact the opening scene from 'Risky Business'.

61. The proper way to report to Splinter is "You wanted to see me, Sensei?" Not "I have it on good authority that you have no evidence."

62. Whoever keeps buying Leatherhead alligator-skin luggage, _**stop it**_. He is becoming very willing to eat whoever is doing it.

63. Raphael does not enjoy being called "Sweetie-pie". Nor does he respond well to "Raphie-poo" or "Stacey".

64. The proper use of the city library's Xerox machine is to make personal study copies of educational materials, not to duplicate adult publications or take dubious pictures of various body parts.

65. None of you are allowed to time travel (back or forward in time), leave this plane of existance, or go to a parallel universe/dimension without leaving a note first.

66. You are not allowed to duct tape your siblings to the walls or ceiling.

67. If the thought of doing something makes you giggle for longer than 15 seconds, you are to assume that you are not allowed to do it.

68. For the last time, Michelangelo, no one is allowed to hijack the Hooters Girls' Bus!

69. Plushies are not to be used as voodoo dolls, no matter how realistic the likeness.

70. Raphael, no matter how much your brother annoys you, 'not enough room to swing a cat in here' is a saying, not a testable hypothesis. Especially not with Michelangelo's cat Klunk.

71. You will not follow the instructions to make C4 in reverse order 'to see what happens'. (See previous rule about possession of explosive devices.)

72. The "no keg party" policy is there for a reason.

73. Drinking anything that has expired in the 'fridge is a Bad Idea. Especially if it wasn't liquid to begin with.

74. None of you are qualified to perform exorcisms on ghosts and attempting to do so will merely offend them.

75. Donatello, your bo staff does not vibrate.


	4. Chapter 4

Hope this is better than the last one. Since so many of you guys wanted to see written chapters of some of the rules, I gotta say; dudes, I'm sorry. I've got way too much on my plate to try something like that. But hey! If you think you can do it, by all means, do so! I'd love to see some of these as a one-shot or a full-out story!

Just please drop me a line and let me know about it so I don't miss it!

*&*&*&*&

76. April O'neil is not allowed to do that thing with the lollipop within any male's sight ever again.

77. You may not have a private army of ninja robots. Not even if it technically belongs to someone else.

78. Donatello is to never, under any circumstances, build a Holy Hand Grenade.

79. The Shredder is not Casey's "sugar daddy" and Raphael, you will not claim he is.

80. "To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is not an appropriate career choice.

81. You are not allowed to prophesy the end of the world more than once.

82. You should not confess to crimes that took place before you were born, even if you have access to a time machine.

83. Stop telling Leatherhead that alligators taste like chicken.

84. When being interrogated by Splinter or April, you are not to wave your hand and announce 'These are not the droids you are looking for'.

85. Jesus is not your homeboy.

86. Donatello, you can't disquise mini robots as the Gingerbread Man to prank your brothers. Or claim they're minions of the Muffin Man. You are not the Muffin Man. You do not know the Muffin Man.

87. Those BSDM sex toy magazines do not belong to April O'neil. "Methinks the lady doth protest to much" changes nothing.

88. There is no such thing as a Rhino Rodeo League, nor are you allowed to start one.

89. Elephants do not like jello, nor are they willing to act as a self-aiming cannons no matter how many peanuts you offer them.

90. You are not allowed to donate your siblings to the city zoo. All of you are banned from the city zoo indefinately.

91. Raphael is not allowed to instigate revolution.

92. Leonardo, there is no such thing as the 'Touch of Death'; stop threatening your brothers with it.

93. No one is allowed to fake rabies.

94. I don't care how many "eye-witnesses" you have, cars do not spontaneously combust.

95. Donatello is not allowed to dissect things unless instructed.

96. Cursive writing does not mean what you think it does.

97. You are not your own long-lost twin.

98. "Non-Flammable" is not a challenge.

99. Asking "How do you keep a Purple Dragon in suspense?" and walking away is only funny the first time.

100. Raphael is not allowed to claim Casey Jones is suffering from 'blue balls'. Not even if you shoot his crotch with blue paintball pellets.


	5. Chapter 5

This will probably be it for a while. My muse has lost focus. But I hope you all like this last page!

EVERYONE MUST GO AND READ WEBMISTRESSGINA'S STORY 'HOUSE RULES'. ITS BASED OFF THIS FIC, YOU WILL LAUGH YOUR AZZ OFF!!

*&*&*&

101. When fighting the Foot clan in the bi-weekly battle of Good vs. Evil, no one is allowed to lift their weapon skyward and shout, "There can be only ONE!"

102. No, Donatello, all the other boys do not do that with their bo staffs.

103. If Michelangelo even looks like he might sing "I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves", all other people present are allowed to knock him unconscious. Ditto: "Henry the VIII I Am", "This is the song that never ends", "One-sextillion bottles of beer on the wall" or any folk song that starts out "innocent enough".

104. April, you are not Xena: Warrior Princess and you shall not use war cries to signal your entrance into a room.

105. No one is allowed to offer to help the Shredder with evil plots in exchange for Japan and Canada.

106. None of you are finding Nemo. Now give the Coast Guard back their SCUBA gear.

107. Raphael, you cannot go out and race the police department's search and rescue boats with Casey. Or paint them in your favorite team's colors. You especially are not to broadcast the event on live television and take bets over the Internet.

108. Casey, you are never to dare, bribe, or trick the boys into doing anything from an 'American Pie' movie.

109. Ohio is the '_Buck_-eye' state.

110. Despite what the movie 'Equillibrium' says, there is no such thing as 'gun-fu', nor are you to claim profeiciency in it.

111. Your brothers' shells are not drums, bongos, or any other percussion instrument.

112. Vacuums are not meant to be supercharged and raced across the Lair. The same goes for floor buffers, power sanders, or toy action figures.

113. No one is allowed to work on, for, or towards world domination for any reason.

114. Cupcakes are not from the Devil.

115. You are not allowed to have theme music.

116. You are not allowed to juggle chainsaws, torches, or any version of your enemies.

117. Tying coconuts to pigeons to prove a theory is frowned on by the ASPCA.

118. None of the rats in the sewers are Splinter's brothers or sisters. Therefore, you are not allowed out of training because one of your millions of supposed 'uncles' told you so.

119. Polka dots are not to be painted on brothers, objects belonging to said brothers, buildings, or automobiles.

120. Monkeys are not meant to fly, cannot fly, and do not want to fly. Stop trying to mutate them into growing wings. (See rule #80.)

121. No one is allowed to work with, for, or in stead of anyone involved in the porn industry. Even if your 'hand-to-hand' skills are more than qualified.

122. The christmas tree has never eaten anyone. Stop telling people that it has.

123. When someone accuses you of not wearing any underwear you should ignore them. Attempting to prove them wrong is indecent. Especially if you can't.

124. Modifying the old "pail of water over the door" trick to "pail of mutagenic slime over the door" is really frowned upon.

125. No matter what you say, Michelangelo, you are not able to see the Grim Reaper, nor are you to claim that he is standing by the Shredder, tapping an hourglass and looking at him impatiently.


	6. Chapter 6

For WebMistressGina, I chased down my Muse and held her plot bunny hostage. I hope to see another edition of House Rules soon!

Disclaimer: Still do no own the rat, four turtles, or the 'deeply-in-denial-about-having-the-hots-for-Donny' April.

126. No one is allowed to animate food into miniature barbarians and sic it on other people.

127. Despite what Raphael claims, a clean room is not a sign of a deranged mind, thus you will all go and clean your rooms.

128. You are not allowed to kidnap yourself and hold yourself hostage for money.

129. No one is allowed to sell their own, or anyone else's brain, heart, conscience, or bodily fluids on Ebay.

130. Absolutely no swimming pools full of mashed potatoes in the Lair. Ever.

131. Leonardo, please stop gluing your brothers to their beds with rubber cement.

132. I don't care who's it is, or how it got there, but the bag of womens shoes is to be removed from Michelangelo's closet immediately!

133. No one is allowed to find Waldo and kill him, no matter how much those books annoy you.

134. If Donatello ever finds the schematics for an atomic bomb on the website Wikip*dia, for the love of all that is good and holy, _**stop him**_.

135. I don't care how grateful the girls at the club were, no one is allowed to play strip 'go fish'.

136. You are not allowed to stack hundreds of tvs on top of each other so you may watch Yu-Gi-Oh! on tvs in the shape of a pyramid.

137. Due to the sheer amount of damage caused to Donatello's lab, no one is to let Michelangelo pop the cork of a champene bottle ever again.

138. Younger brothers are not acceptable replacements for soccer balls.

139. That glowing green toxic waste Donatello mixed up does not re-animate the dead, nor will it get you a new sibling or girlfriend. Yes, we already checked.

140. You are not a member of the Spanish Inquisition.

141. You are not allowed to train any amount of non-mutated turtles to attack the Foot clan or Purple Dragons, no matter how badly you are conviced 'they'd never see it coming.'

142. Sword length is not an indicator that someone is 'compensating for something'. Neither is staff length.

143. No, you cannot get the 'Shag-Master' as a licence plate for the Shell Van. That goes for bumper stickers too.

144. No bumper stickers of any kind are allowed on any wheeled, flying, subterranean, or underwater vehicle we own; especially ones that claim that 'mutant turtles are easy.'

145. No, you do not have the right to fight for your right to party.

146. No one is allowed to drive tractors through the Lair. The same is true for all other farming and/or construction equipment.

147. Your little brother's name is not Buster, and you are not allowed to do experiments with, to, or for him. You are not a Mythbuster.

148. Painting 'This Space For Rent' on Raphael's shell is a Very Bad Idea.

149. Jousting is not meant to be done in wheelchairs.

150. No one is allowed to dress any of their siblings in drag and post the pictures on the Internet. Especially not to online dating sites.


	7. Chapter 7

Hope you all like it!

....that poor, poor rat....

151. Joyriding in the Battle Shell is prohibited, especially for mooning other people.

152. No one is allowed to participate in Celebrity Death Match: Urban Legend Edition, no matter how much money they offer you.

153. I don't know how you did it, and while I am touched by the gesture, please, no more brass bands over-running the sewer, playing Happy Birthday on the anniversary of my mutation.

154. Close Encounters of the Mammary Kind are to be kept private, not broadcast on YouTube.

155. Leonardo, just because Donatello taught you how to hot wire basic machinery does not mean you should go out and hijack the animatronic dinosaurs of Jurassic Pizza and use them to terrify your brothers. Especially not by trying to run down Michelangelo while riding on a mechanical triceratops.

156. And since we cannot give the dinosaurs back in anything like the condition they were originally in, Michelangelo, Raphael, you are not allowed to hold a jousting tournament while riding on the velociraptors, triceratops, or the brontosaurus. The t-rex goes without saying. However, they may be used for assaulting the Foot headquarters.

157. Jet-Assisting Take-off (JATO) devices are for _**airplanes**_, not scooters, no matter how much you reinforce the frame.

158. Leonardo, stop using ninja wire to move objects without your brothers seeing you do it. They're becoming convinced the Lair is haunted. (See rule #74)

159. Pit fall traps are for the wilderness only!

160. Leonardo, flame-throwers are not an acceptable security feature for unauthorized entry into your room.

161. No one is allowed to wrap sleeping or hung-over people with Christmas lights and tinsel.

162. Mistletoe is to be used sparingly, and never as a prank.

163. Stop using anti-gravity devices to appear to walk on water; you have almost no chance whatsoever at convincing anyone that you are Jesus. (See rule #85)

164. Dumpster roller derby is only allowed in certain parts of the warehouse district, not in the upper levels of Neman Marcus. Not even as a protest against capitalism.

165. Silly String is no longer allowed in the Lair. Period.

166. No one is allowed to use Legos, duct tape, and/or rubber bands to create a giant ball so you can re-enact the boulder scene from Indiana Jones.

167. Rubber life rafts are useful while river-rafting, swimming, or as an emergency parachute, not as the roof-top on the Shell-Van.

168. Please, stop using smoke missiles to write trick requests in the sky to passing fighter jets.

169. Absolutely no Nair, or any other hair removal product, is allowed in the Lair at all. Ever.

170. No one is allowed to flush 19 gallons of gasoline down the toilet to see if it will explode if you throw a match into it.

171. Raphael, stop trying to push your brother so hard he'll do a full rotation on the swing set for the sake of 'getting sweeter air time.'

172. Please, stop putting Michelangelo's action figures in lewd positions. At least not where other people can see them.

173. Rolling someone in honey, graham crackers, and chocolate sauce and then dumping them in front of the Boy Scouts National Headquarters with a note to 'toast them on medium-to-high heat' is not an appropriate punishment for _anything_.

174. Kool-Aid is to be used as drink flavoring only; the fact that it can dye your brothers' skin in a variety of colors is irrelevant.

175. I have it on excellent authority that no, Heaven is not like the IRS, therefore, you do not need to get a receipt when you do something good.


	8. Chapter 8

This is officially the last chapter. Thank you everyone for your support and encouragement!

I don't own the Darkness' most awesome song, "I Believe in a Thing Called Love", My Little Pony, or "The Matrix".

....I still pity that poor rat.

176. Wasp nests are a don't under any circumstances.

177. No Michelangelo, you are not supposed to drink Molotov cocktails and then swallow the match.

178. Pumpkin chucking machines are certainly not in the same category as peanut launchers, marshmallow guns, and popcorn shooters. Remove them from the Lair immediately.

179. No one is allowed to rig the throwing star targets with contact explosives.

180. Fireworks plus Michelangelo....no. Never. On pain of death. No.

181. No one is allowed to fake amnesia.

182. And if someone actually does have amnesia, no one is allowed to convince the poor person they're really a little 5-year old girl named Maggie and they were the victim of a terrible accident.

183. Please, stop building lawn-mower engine powered 'Roman chariots' to race in the city museum.

184. Dating is allowed, with discretion. Dating five girls at once just to see if you can is not discreet, and also is in horrible taste.

185. Rapheal, you are not allowed to throw a victory party for loosing your virginity, no matter how awesome the story is.

186. Sawdust is not a proper substitute for anything, especially not cooking flour.

187. For strictly health reasons, its not advisable to randomly walk up to attractive women and kiss their socks off. Even if they thank you for it afterwards.

188. No one is allowed to supercharge the ceiling fan and attach themselves to it with bungee cords, rope, or rubber bands to 'have a free tilt-o-whirl' in the Lair.

189. Donatello, if you must sing 'I Believe in a Thing Called Love', please do it in the shower like everyone else. We've already lost eighteen glasses to those high notes.

190. Turtle wax is not what you think it is.

191. No, getting braces will not improve your cell phone's reception, so please stop trying to kidnap a dentist.

192. Michelangelo, you cannot put glitter, My Little Pony stickers, or ribbons on Raphael's shell, 'to make him look pretty'. Why do you think he needs to look pretty? No, wait, don't answer that.

193. No one is allowed to give Michelangelo energy drinks. Ever.

194. Racing junk cars in the junkyard is fine. Racing junk cars over ramps and into the Hudson River to see who gets better air-time is not.

195. No one is allowed to marry themselves.

196. There is no such thing as gay-dar, and none of you have it!

197. Claiming that the Shredder has ever venereal disease known to mankind is...funny. Him finding out? Not so much. Discretion is advised.

198. No one is allowed to hypnotize anyone. No one is allowed to command said hypnotized person in any way, shape, or form. Casey may very well never forgive you, Raphael, for the naked Disco Duck impersonation.

199. Growth hormones are a don't. And no, they will not make your 'Mini-me' grow; on the contrary, one of the worst side effects of such a product is notorious shrinkage.

200. From the boys to their beloved sensei: we promise to never break any of these rules ever again as long as you never do that thing with the spoon ever again. Love, your sons.

April stared at the last entry, her head cocked to the side in confusion. She glanced over at the aged rat standing beside her in the depths of the Lair. "Do...Do I want to know what the trick with the spoon is?"

Splinter merely smiled. "No. No, you don't."

April eyed the ninjutsu master warily, nodding her head. "Okay then." She made to turn back to the couch when a thought stopped her. She looked back at Splinter. "Does it have anything to do with that movie, 'The Matrix'?"

Splinter's smile grew. "Not at all. This was much worse."

April shuddered outright and resolved to never ask about that trick with the spoon ever again.


End file.
